The Power of ‘First-Then’

A Simple, but Effective Strategy to Use with Toddlers, Middle-Aged Children and Teenagers

Does your child ignore you when you ask them to do something? Do you feel like you are constantly on repeat trying to get your children to complete a simple task? Do you feel like I am calling you out? Don’t worry! Those examples did not come from you! They came from my experiences in my own home! I am an experienced mom of four, a long-time teacher, and a seasoned swim coach. I have worked with literally hundreds and hundreds of children. One of the best techniques that I have used is ‘First-Then’. It has helped me and I know it can help you!

What is the ‘First-Then’ Strategy?

It is exactly what it sounds like! It is a simple strategy with two parts. The non-preferred task needs to be completed first in order to gain access to the preferred task or item. So, as a parent, you are simply stating “First: The thing that needs to happen  (a responsibility , routine, or non-preferred task), Then: the thing your child wants (a reward or enjoyable activity). You might be thinking, “That’s it? How will that help?”. I can assure you that it WILL help you in your home TODAY!

Why does the ‘First-Then’ Strategy work?

This strategy works with people of all ages because it sets clear, specific expectations that are non-negotiable. It does not require bribes, threats  or harsh words. It helps you and your family communicate in a kind, calm way and it helps your children feel successful.

Real Life Scenarios of ‘First-Then’ in action:

Toddlers: “First you need to get in your carseat, then we will go to the park.”

                “First you get your shoes on, then you can go in the backyard.”

Middle Childhood: “First you need to get your homework done, then you can ride your bike.”

                              “First you need to eat a vegetable, then you can have dessert.”

Teenagers: “First you need to get your chores done, then you can hang out with your friend.”

                   “First you need to do your homework, then you can play video games.”

Funny, but TRUE!

First-Then helps me keep MYSELF on track and it also works with my husband! 😉

In talking to myself: “First I need to get my workout in, then I can read my book.”

                                “First I will do the bedtime routine with my kids, then I can have a glass of wine.”

In talking to my hubby: “First we can get the backyard cleaned up, then we can enjoy happy hour outside.”

    “Can you get the laundry started first, then go on your run?”

Now what? Try this at home:

• -Stay calm and consistent. If you say, “First__, Then__”, you need to mean it and follow through with it.

• Make sure the non-preferred task is manageable and achievable. (This is not the time to ask for the stars) You can break the task into smaller steps if needed.

• Praise your child for the effort and for following your directions. “Great job! You took the trash out, now you can watch your show.”

Be Cautious of Your Language:

Some people use the words ‘If-Then’. But, to me, the word “if” implies that there is a choice and what you are asking for might not happen. “First” implies that you will do the task and you will do it before you can do what you would like to do. We are not negotiating with our children. We are simply stating, “First you must ____, Then you can ____.” It is clear, it is predictable, and your child will feel successful.

Bonus Tip:

Feel free to add a timer to the use of the ‘First-Then’ strategy. For example, “First you need to clean up your room for 10 minutes. Then, we can play legos!” Setting a timer might help your child understand that the task you are asking of them is manageable and achievable.

Give it a try:

The ‘First-Then’ strategy will work in your home because you are building clarity, trust and cooperation within your family. You are providing a structure where your children know what is expected of them and they will learn that the things you ask them to do are both manageable and achievable. This strategy will help you build a connected family and it will bring peace to your home. And, if you use it with yourself and your spouse, it might even bring you a little laughter.

First, give this a try in your home! Then, watch the magic!

As always, we hope this helps!

Love,

Jenny